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Photobucket Eduardo Calasanz Piece

I received an email from a close friend, a former Ateneans. It's a beautiful piece made by Eduardo Calasanz. Calasanz was a student at the Ateneo Manila University, Philippines. He had Father Ferriols as he's professor, Father Ferriols was the Philosophy department head who teaches also Philosophy for graduating college students in Ateneo. He's very popular for his mind opening and enriching classes but also known as notorious in giving grades. Fr.Ferriols had this long discussion with the registrar people because he wanted to give Calasanz an A+, either that or he doesn't teach at all so Calasanz got his A+.

Read he's piece below to find out why he deserve to get a A+ grade.

By Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz

I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. But I have seldom met a man who didn't fear marriage. Something about the closure seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives.

When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate. And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed to glow in each other's presence.

They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other's foibles. It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the other's habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each other?

The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want therelationship to succeed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages.

Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side. This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts.

Others deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together. The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-time friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each other at their worst and at their best. They share time together before they get swept into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality.

This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it for other keys to compatibility. One of these is laughter.

Laughter tells you how much you will enjoy each other's company over the long term. If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each other. And if you can always surprise each other,you can always keep the world around you new. Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn sour. Over time,sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship can become based on being critical together.

After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see their relationship as existing only in the space between the two of them. They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As the relationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again. If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can't accept, you will inevitably come to grief. Look at the way she cares for others and deals with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the two of you will not respect each other.

Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live on the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only to the literal and the practical, you must take care that the distance doesn't become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling isolated and misunderstood.

There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not betray and private commitments to a vision of life that we will not deny. If you fall in love with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselves growing further apart until you live in separate worlds where you share the business of life, but never touch each other where the heart lives and dreams. From there it is only a small leap to the cataloging of petty hurts and daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with their mates.

So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a partner with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage can take place in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak of a miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word.There is a miracle in marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. We never question these, because we see them around us every day. To us they are not miracles, though if we did not know them they would be impossible to believe.

Marriage is a transformation we choose to make. Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the flower that will blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come.If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed. We are quite willing to accept the reality of negative transformation in a marriage. It was negative transformation that always had me terrified of the bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger. It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle that transformed love into harshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to accept the possibility that the first heat of love could be transformed into something positive that was actually deeper and more meaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All I could believe in was the power of this passion and the fear that when it cooled I would be left with something lesser and bitter.

But there is positive transformation as well. Like negative transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But instead of death by a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of love. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate presence, two separate consciousnesses come together and share a view of life that passes before them. They remain separate, but they also become one. There is an expansion of awareness, not a closure and a constriction, as I had once feared. This is not to say that there is not tension and there are not traps. Tension and traps are part of every choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple lovers.

Each choice contains within it the lingering doubt that the road not taken somehow more fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to the richness that it alone contains.But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one. Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of shared company, but there is a specific gravity in the marriage commitment that deepest that experience into something richer and more complex. So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the wrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power of transformation.

If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well made is worth your patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom...endlessly.

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9 Cinderella's Commentos:

.perpetuaL bLiss. said...

hOo! g'hangak q ug basa madz. nyehehehe☺

nwei, appLause for him (Eduardi Calasanz). very weLL said :)

i Liked his viewpoint about Life, Love and marriage. tumpak na tumpak!

i remembered the day when i texted you i want to get married aLready.. oh weLL, this piece reminded me not to rush on things..

hmn, to quote:
"It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages."

i can say, even if me and my 'consort' had been together for two years now, we are still at our early stage of 'being together'. hayy.. i believe i Love him however, thinking about our age would make me say, 'sayu pa kaayo para mag minyo'.

but still, i stand for the sanctity and importance of marriage. i know we had started our famiLy with which we took the detour, but everyday of our lives we ask God's forgiveness :) i am not saying i am doubting to marry him, in fact, i can feeL it! - he's the one!☺

but then again, we still need to know each other and accept more the downsides ng isa't isa. we will try our best to get along with each other - to be more understanding, trustworthy, loving, and honest at aLL times.

hopefuLLy next year we can make it - regardLess of the kind of wedding we are going to participate (nyaaa! participate jd buh.. nyahahaha!).

we wiLL just keep our fingers crossed ☺

seems Like i am not writing a comment anymore - it's another post in your comments section! ahakhakhak!Ö my apoLogies.. ;)

Princess Cinderella said...

@Perpetual bliss: is this a comment mads?taasa oi...yeah your still young but your brave enough to handle this relationship you have. I know your responsible enough and did I tell you that I salute you for that? Mads I know your facing many obstacles in your life now, I want you to know that I'm here as a friend and as a god mother to your baby jasper. Just keep on praying I know you can surpass everthing, singit dayun "I will survive" hehehe

P.S. : By the way pwede ko maging bridesmaid sa imo wedding???hehehe...

.perpetuaL bLiss. said...


ahaha! weLL, sureness kung meron..


teinx mads.. you're the best. keep rockin'!☺

mwuah mwuah mwuah!Ü

ayos au kah ke aLL-out-support to d' max! hehe!

bevs said...

huh! taasa woi...nice post brey, hehehe honestly it did enlightened me, tsarr! hehe Dapat dli jud magdalidali huh!
All Ican say is that Love alone is not the key to a successful marriage. It's a series of acceptance to go through.

"The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-time friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each other at their worst and at their best."

...It really takes time to know a person better.

Princess Cinderella said...

@perpetual bliss: nag reply pa gyud oi..hahaha.."kung saan kah masaya mads suportahan tika"..muah

@bevs: hello mads bevs, thanks it's my pleasure to inspire inspire gyud? Calasanz is right you have to know the person first before you indulge in marriage, lisod nah baka black eye lang imong abuton bah...hahaha...

Mads I know your happy right now with Glenn I hope your relationship with him will last, ana pa to si glenn "ikaw na gyud daw last nah girl sa iyaha" yay!naku...i smell wedding bells ha...muah mads domo arrigato....

AwengMoralBasco said...

After reading the post, aw medyo browse nlng sa last. taas jud. Also went through the comments. Ug after that I read "Perfection is an illusion as only God is perfect. :)

The last part was really not part of the post but it made me think of Love and Marriage in another way. Yes, it is an illusion-- a perfect partner, a perfect relationship.. If you go out and find these things (certain traits)in a person, you'll probably find Mr Right by the time you are menopaused. :)

What I have to say?

There would always be differences but there are people who are good at complementing each others weakness, bringing out the best in each other. Find the person to best complement you.


You do not have to get married!

And specially for the wrong reasons. Matud pa nila, di na cya init nga kan-on. Ayaw nlng papaso kay sakit!

Mao ra.


Aice Nice Concepts said...

wow! ang haba ng sermon ha este letter pala (^_^)

pero it was very enlightening tama nga un sinabi sa letter

yeah i would agree "being friend first bago Love relationship" in this way may foundation

and also you must also like the person weaknesses in this way you will be the other half who will help him/her improve...

anyway still waiting (^_^)

Rolly said...

Just to say hello, pls vote for me at for 2008 Pinoy Expats, chk 1st 3 boxes of The New Beginning, Ronel Livelihood & Absolutely Joro. Thanks.

tammygirl25 said...

thanks for letting me read this one.:D

Bagay kayo xa sa atong convo awhile ago...

Marriage should not be rushed up nor feared. Even relationships should not be pure sexual attraction because it really alters perception obscuring petty details that might be the reason of incompatibility in the future.

For me, the best path to a successful relationship is friendship.:D

AMPING PERMI ka-team...

~"In Life many of us have done fighting in every way to survive, heard every painful truth, been in every heartbreaking scene and felt every dreadful feeling. We thought going through it will then make us realized that we have to stop the fight, to atleast save a little of ourselves. But you know whats funny? It's when it seems that we are so much tired of it, but still we can't just quit no matter how hard it is and we continue hoping that one day..well be able to find someone who could love us, not just "right" but "real"~
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